Baby Only Sleeps When Held
My first baby was a baby who only wanted to sleep if he was being held/worn or in the car seat. Even the swing didn’t do it for him!
Let me tell you, I was DESPERATE for some arms free time. As an introvert, not getting any time to recharge without a baby being attached to me did some damage to my mental health.
And know this– it’s so so so normal for your baby to struggle with this when you’re in that 4th trimester. But I hated hearing it because I wanted SOLUTIONS.
So that’s where we’re at, trying to validate your experience while also giving you some tangible steps to work toward more sleep happening outside of your arms rather than in it.
Why will my baby only sleep when being held?
The 4th trimester is a big adjustment for everyone, including your baby who spent 9 months on the inside in a very warm, cushiony place with constant comfort and nourishment. They don’t just “get with the program” when they’re born.
There’s a period where they have to get used to life outside of the womb. Again, that doesn’t make it easier to get through- it just is what it is.
And then as your baby grows, without exposure to opportunities to sleep without being held, that preference just hangs around.
What do you do if your baby won't sleep without being held?
First things first, take whatever help or shifts you can get with someone else. Whether that’s a postpartum doula, your partner, your family, a friend, whatever it is. Find ways to get support FOR YOU.
Preferring to be held after being in your womb for 9 months (give or take) isn’t abnormal but that doesn’t make it any easier to manage. So get that support if it’s wearing you down, okay?
Next up, practice ANY sleep outside of your arms. You will usually be more successful with the first nap of the day or right at bedtime. Even if it lasts 10 mins, that’s a win. You can build from there.
If you have a newborn, swaddling + loud white noise can make a huge difference in their ability to be transferred.
Waiting 15-20 mins or 20-25 mins before transferring can allow them to get into a deeper sleep and may help the transfer stick!
How do you get a baby to sleep who only wants to be held?
If your baby is used to getting to sleep while being held, you can start introducing those opportunities to being put down and assisted to sleep in their sleep space. For a newborn, this could look like gently propping them on their side and shushing/patting them all the way to sleep then gently rolling them to their back.
For an older child, that may look like snuggling in your bed beside you vs being held, and slowly creating distance until they can go to sleep with less physical support. Then you can put them in their sleep space and do the same thing!
How to get baby to sleep in a crib or bassinet?
First things first, prepare the separate sleep space for them. We want this to be a familiar space for them, so take them into the room and play in there or do their routines in there. You can also do all of their naps in that room (especially if they are contact napping).
You can warm the space and remove anything from it right before you lay them down (this can help the transition from your arms to their bed). Just check the temp before you put them down!
As you know and as I’ve said a billion times, timing is everything. Overtired babies will have a harder time falling asleep and staying asleep. So watch the clock and try not to miss that window! They’ll definitely have a harder time with change when they’re overtired too.
If you’re working on just getting them to sleep outside of your arms but you’re still assisting to sleep, then makes sure they’re breathing has slowed down and they’re completely relaxed. You can do the “rag doll” test by slowly lifting their arm and seeing how it drops. If they resist, they’re not ready.You want them “floppy”!
Lower them down on their side and slowly roll them onto their backs and place some gentle pressure on them for a few moments before slowly releasing. Make sure their head doesn’t tip back as that elicits the startle reflex.
If they seem unsettled in their sleep space, you can encircle them to help them feel secure in their space, but outside of your arms. You can also jiggle them or pat them a little until they’re more settled.
I hear you– you’re saying, but they wake up moments after the transfer!!!
You can jump right back into soothing and seeing if you can get them back to sleep inside their sleep space. You can also pause a few minutes and see if they can do it themselves. Even 3 mins can be a game changer.
As with all things in parenting, CONSISTENCY is key. They’re not going to figure it out in a day or two. You’d need to work on this for at least a few weeks, especially for naps if you want it to stick.
Have some patience and know that when you’re using gradual methods to make changes, you’ll see gradual progress as well.
If you’re ready to make some real changes and aren’t ready for a separation based method, the DIY course is a great option for working toward independent sleep at your own pace!
