How to Stop Maternal Gatekeeping

parentinganxiety

Apr 5

Maternal gatekeeping is one of the leading causes of parental burnout.

Moms, in particular, tend to serve as this ultimate gatekeeper for anything related to their children and that can include blocking other caregivers from getting involved. While it’s natural to want to stay in control of your child’s care, maternal gatekeeping can lead to a growing conflict or resentment between you and your partner.

We will cover:

maternal gatekeeping meaning
maternal gatekeeping examples
How to stop maternal gatekeeping

Maternal Gatekeeping Meaning

Maternal gatekeeping can occur whether you’re married, divorced, or co-parenting in any form. It can also occur between moms and in-laws, grandparents, nannies, babysitters, etc.

It relates to the mom's control of household tasks as well as the care of their child.

This really depends on how much a woman might internalize societal standards about being a good mom. The more you care about how you are viewed as a mom, the less likely you are to give up control over that domain.

We have research that shows that gatekeepers do more work, have higher levels of anxiety and depression, and poorer romantic relationships than those who collaborate with their partners.

Maternal Gatekeeping Examples

There are a lot of different ways we may gatekeep the care of a child, but some examples of maternal gatekeeping include:

Constantly looking over partner’s shoulder as they do something for the baby
Turning down plans because only you can put the baby to bed or feed them
Critiquing or criticizing how someone else is doing something for your child
Giving a ton of directions for how to do something for your child
Resenting your partner for not helping out more
Constantly researching things about your child’s development, eating, sleeping, etc but not sharing those with your partner

It’s one thing to decide that your values inform you that you’re the one who will choose outfits, meals, etc but it's different if you're unconsciously doing it because you’re trying to create perfection and control the outcome.

Personally, I’m a natural researcher so having conversations about what it looked likef or us to be on the same page and focusing on teamwork.

My husband isn’t going to seek that out and will defer to me, but at the same time, I don’t feel like I have to control the discipline because I’ve shared and we’ve come to an agreement about what that looks like for our family.

Also time and place! I don’t try to undermine him if they’re FINE and not in a dangerous situation. We can always repair.

My husband is a big words of affirmation guy– I knew that going into parenting! I don’t care how he does a lot of things, but I do acknowledge appreciation for taking care of meals, getting the kids ready, etc. He’s technically the primary caregiver when he’s home so I think letting go of that has helped a lot.

It helps his confidence and keeps him from deferring to me all the time.

I felt like he enabled my gatekeeping because he would constantly ask me things like what they needed for meals, when naps were, and I just wanted him to quit asking.

But it was just him seeking feedback and we found ways to help him feel confident and bother me less about caregiving things.

Note that this is different than being a preferred parent if that’s your struggle, check out this blog! But I really encourage you to do a little check in on if you’re gatekeeping/what that might look like for you/how you can let go of some things!

How to Stop Maternal Gatekeeping

If you’re like… wow, this is ME! Then, here are some top tips for getting through it/past it:

obviously recognize that you’re doing it
communicate with your partner
if you get the itch to say something or step in, step out and. do something for yourself (go take a shower, a walk, do some deep breathing/meditation)
focus on SAFETY— is what they’re doing safe but not how you’d do it? that’s fine!
divide and conquer— and REALLY divide it up/don’t conquer their list for them
if you’re the partner who isn’t doing the gatekeeping, look for ways to step in and also evaluate if there’s anything you’ve done that might enable that gatekeeping/what you can do to share the load

If you’re really struggling with sleep perfectionism/controlling your child’s sleep then you’ll also want to read this blog!

And as always, working with a sleep consultant can help you let go of that anxiety, gatekeeping, and help to get your partner involved so you’re not the only one who can do bedtime!