Preferred Parents: What to Do and How to Change it
Being the preferred parent is a blessing and a curse! Sometimes I refer to it as the default parent because everything naturally defaults to you which creates the preference. But they are actually a little bit different!
In this blog, we will discuss:
Preferred Parent vs Default Parent
What to do if you’re the preferred or non-preferred parent?
What helps the preferred parent?
What helps the non-preferred parent?
Preferred Parent vs Default Parent
I hear it ALL the time, “my child only lets me put them to bed! It’s exhausting!”
As common as it is, it can leave you feeling frustrated and burnt out, with the non-preferred parent feeling hurt or even helpless.
(Disclaimer, this doesn’t mean they love one person more than another!)
It’s definitely OKAY (and NORMAL) for your child to have a preference. Developmentally, it’s typically unavoidable. This is just them developing some autonomy and discovering that they can make choices/decisions that have specific results.
However-- it is also OKAY for you to set the boundary that creates a sustainable system for your family.
In the early newborn days, I especially use “default” parent when a parent is nursing the majority of the time. Care “defaults” to the nursing parent.
In that sort of scenario, I was definitely the default parent with Noah. As a first time breastfeeding mom, I was often handed a crying baby to “fix it.” Because a crying baby could only be a hungry baby and that led to me being the default parent for soothing him.
That didn’t fly with baby 2 or 3.
When a baby cried and I knew they weren’t hungry, I handed the baby back to dad and said, “soothe them!” He had to figure it out. But that’s how we changed our dynamic so I didn’t have to be the default parent.
If you’re the default parent out of necessity, then work on exposing your little one to opportunities where the other parent has to take over. Shut down the maternal gatekeeping and allow them to find their own way without stepping in. Yeah, there may be more tears, but they’re being cared for by someone who loves them!
Resist. The. Urge. To. Rescue.
Sometimes that looks like trading off nights with your partner and not being solely responsible for sleep times/routines.
It’s also normal and okay for your child to be upset about this boundary.
Your job isn’t to make sure they’re happy all the time and never feel an uncomfortable emotion. Your job is to make sure they feel loved, seen, supported THROUGH the emotion they’re having. Even if they’re being supported by the non-preferred caregiver, they are still a loving and responsive caregiver (that isn’t wrong!)
That’s how you raise an emotionally intelligent child- one that can cope and move through the tough feelings they will have at some point or another.
What to do if you’re the preferred or non-preferred parent?
Some things you can do whether you’re the preferred parent or non-preferred parent:
Do the routine different than your partner (make it fun and unique, something they look forward to)
Alternate more often (maybe every other day)
Make a chart for an older child to show who is putting them to bed
Validate their feelings (I know you want mom tonight, but dad is doing betime. Tomorrow will be mom’s turn! Do you want to read this book or that book first?”)
Make the routine a game and engage with them (who can run to the room the fastest?!)
Reframe your language to “my child prefers” instead of “my child demands I do x”
What helps the preferred parent?
If you are the preferred parent, some things that can help you:
Take time for you
Don’t rescue if they’re having a hard time
Exude confidence in the non-preferred parent
What helps the non-preferred parent?
Non-preferred parents, you can:
Look for opportunities to step in
Resist the urge to give up if your child is feeling emotional
Regulate yourself when helping your child
And who knows, these things may not work at first, but at the end of the day they learn to accept the routine and sleep from other people with exposure and repetition so don’t give up!
If you’re worried about this during the sleep training process, don’t! So often during the process, when I work with families, we are able to naturally shift preferences so that either caregiver can easily put their child down. Praise for bedtime breaks!
