Help! My toddler is taking a long time to fall asleep!
First, let’s clarify just how “long” is considered a long time. Normal sleep latency is 5-20 min. If your toddler is happily taking longer than that to fall asleep, then that is also OKAY! We find that toddlers need some additional wind down time after going all day long. However, if they’re taking a long time to fall asleep and they’re unhappy, there can be lots of reasons for the occasional restless bedtime.
If your toddler is REGULARLY taking longer than normal to fall asleep and they’re unhappy about it, these are some of the common culprits.
overtired
undertired
learning a new skill
separation anxiety
Overtired at bedtime
Ever heard of the “second wind”? This is a very real thing that occurs when kids push past their threshold of tiredness. The body supplies an extra boost of cortisol which results in your child bouncing off the walls and seeming to be anything BUT tired! Cortisol also suppresses the production of melatonin which is the hormone that helps us to calmly and quickly drift off to sleep. Once your child is overtired it will be much more difficult for them to fall asleep and stay asleep. They also will likely wake up shortly after bedtime (about 45 ish minutes later), AND have an early morning waking.
If your child is having lots of bad nap days or if they aren’t getting very solid naps at daycare, they may end up overtired at the end of the day and have a hard time settling down for sleep. My advice would be to bring bedtime earlier on bad nap days, and see if they are able to fall asleep more quickly/easily!
Undertired at bedtime
Toddlers who are undertired when bedtime rolls around may be happy as a lark. However, when it comes time for the bedtime routine, they may try to stall or protest bedtime, dragging their feet between every step. Or, they may just want to keep playing and playing, sometimes even after you shut off the lights.
To remedy your child being undertired, you will want to add more awake time before bedtime. You can achieve this by either adding 15 minutes to that wake window, or by shaving 15 minutes off of their nap. It is your choice to do whichever option makes most sense for your family. If adding 15 minutes pushes their bedtime too late for your liking, then you can just shorten their nap by 15 minutes.
If you believe their wake window is appropriate you can try providing more stimulation in the afternoon. Physical tasks such as household chores/yardwork (yes, you can make it fun!!), or even building a fort out of pillows can give a child the sensory input they need. Extra time playing outside (weather permitting), or working on their fine motor skills with a sensory bin are great ways to provide more stimulation for your toddler.
Learning New Skills
We recently went through this with my almost 2 year old. She was having a couple weeks of taking a long time to fall asleep at bedtime (30-45 min usually). She wasn’t upset, just rolling around, and making lots of noises like she was singing to herself or just saying “mommy mama mom ma”. I didn’t make any changes, just tried providing more stimulation during her afternoons. When it finally came to an end she had a big vocabulary boom, and was suddenly talking up a storm.
You may see some long sleep latency during potty training, the crib to bed transition, or anything that just shakes up your toddler’s world for a period of time. The main thing is to stay consistent and ride it out.
Separation Anxiety/Bedtime Fears
Some kids struggle with being left alone in their room at bedtime. It may happen suddenly, with seemingly no catalyst. Around 3 years old, their imaginations really start to take off, and they begin to imagine things that aren’t really there. If you feel that separation anxiety or fear is the culprit, you can add 10-15 minutes of intentional 1:1 time with your child to “fill up their cup” before bed. Show your child that you understand their feelings, while also staying calm and relaxed. Be very consistent, as this will help your child to know what is happening next. Also, be very intentional in doing what you say you will do. If you promise to return in 5 minutes to check on them, then that’s what needs to happen. This builds trust, and they will know that you mean what you say. Try not to give in to every request, as this may lead to an hours-long bedtime routine. However, if you can incorporate some common requests into their daily routine, anticipating it and allowing time for it, you will feel much more regulated and calm, which will help them regulate themselves as well.
