How to Handle Night Time Fears (At bedtime and Middle of the Night)

The first time my child experienced a nightmare was when he was around 3.5 years old, and, honestly, it scared me too! I was used to him sleeping 11+ hours every night without so much as a peep, and to hear him suddenly screaming in the middle of the night was terrifying. Is there an intruder? Has he fallen out of his bed? Have aliens come to steal him away? I ran into his room, looking disheveled and wild-eyed and gasped, “WHAT’S WRONG?!” And he said those little four words that, for whatever reason, I never suspected: “I had a bad dream.”

What age do toddlers start to have night time fears or nightmares?

There is a point during toddlerhood when your child’s imagination starts to blossom before your eyes. They play pretend and make up games. This is also when night time fears can develop, because for the first time they are able to imagine things that are not real. Three years old is about the age when this usually happens, however it could happen earlier or later for your child. 

Toddler fears at bedtime

This overactive imagination may run wild at the end of the day when your toddler is likely overstimulated by the day, and is settling down in a quiet dark room. They may call out to you repeatedly to come back in to their room for any number of reasons. My number one tip is to be consistent in your response. They can sense when we are faltering in our resolve (toddler spidey senses are tingling!). You want to be sure to MEAN IT when you tell them that it’s time to go to bed. Spend an extra amount of time with them winding down if you suspect your toddler is experiencing some separation anxiety. You can reassure them that they are safe, and that it is time for sleep now, but that you will always be close by. You may choose to introduce a lovey if your child is over a year old. 

How do I know if my child is having a nightmare?

Nightmares affect most everyone. They may cause your child to wake up upset/crying, and may cause them to have feelings of anxiety about going back to sleep for fear of experiencing the same nightmare again. 

The symptoms of nightmares are:

• Waking up crying and upset

• Speaking coherently, talking about what they are afraid of from their dream

• Asking for comfort, company and reassurance

• Anxiety at bedtime, not wanting to fall asleep for fear of repeating the dream

How do I handle my child’s nightmares?

You can probably remember some of your worst nightmares, maybe even some that you had as a child. The fear that they can invoke is very real and requires compassion and support from you. 

Here’s how you can support them through this:

• Respond right away

• Validate their fear

• Provide reassurance

• Provide physical comfort

Responding right away and listening to them will be the first step in supporting your child. Knowing that you are close by and willing to listen to their concerns or fears can go a long way in relieving their little mind and body of the tension they must be feeling. When you hear what their nightmare or fear is about, you will want to validate the feeling, but not the fear. You want them to feel understood, and yet let them know that their fear is not something that they need to be truly scared of. This will help them to move past the feeling and conquer the fear. Provide reassurance by showing them that their nightmare was not their reality.

Script: “You dreamed that there was a snake in your room, that must have felt scary! Let’s look around- see! There is no snake in your room. I’ll stay here for a while and cuddle you until you feel sleepy again.”

Provide physical comfort by cuddling, giving a long hug, or by sitting and rubbing their back can help them to relax enough to be able to go back to sleep. This is co-regulation at its finest! You are their “calm”, and their nerves can start to settle down. 

Before they fall asleep, tell them that you are going back to your room. This will help for your child to know when you are leaving, versus them falling asleep and waking again to find you gone, *cue panic*. If they do get upset about you leaving, I would avoid starting the habit of sleeping in their room, or bringing them into your bed, which can be a hard habit to break if it isn’t sustainable for your family. Instead, try “patrolling” the hall outside of their room, they can feel safe knowing that you are nearby without the expectation that you will stay in their room with them all night long.

How can I help my child avoid nightmares?

It may not be possible to avoid all nightmares, however there are things that can exacerbate them. Stress and overtiredness are two things that commonly are linked to nightmares. Try to reduce your child’s daily stress, and if they are already having nightmares, discuss them during the day well before bedtime so they can have time to process. Ensuring your child is going to bed at an age appropriate time, even utilizing early bedtime for a couple of nights if you notice signs of overtiredness. Practice good sleep hygiene for your child, a calm winding down period before bed, and limit screen time 1-2 hours before bedtime can all help quiet night time fears. 

If you’re struggling with your toddler’s sleep, make sure you check out these 1;1 options!