How to Handle Toddler Bedtime Battles
If you have a toddler, I’m guessing there are MANY times a day you ask yourself - what on earth is happening?! Toddlers are learning, growing, soaking everything in. With that comes this new sense of independence and control - enter The Toddler Tantrum. Of course, bedtime and naptime is a great time to test out tears, screaming, hiding,...Okay, kidding - there are definitely “better” times for a tantrum, but they’re bound to happen. Let’s talk about toddler bedtime battles!
Raise your hand if your toddler doing one of these things at naptime or bedtime:
Protesting going to bed - yelling, crying, refusal, hiding
Protesting once in bed - yelling, crying, requesting someone to come get them
Asking for food/snacks and drinks - this can happen to delay bedtime and once in bed
Asking to keep playing, read another book, sing more bedtime songs, the list goes on….
Asking to go potty once already in bed
You’re still reading, so I’m going to take a guess that you’re a lucky parent of a spicy little cutie!
Why Bedtime Is So Hard for Toddlers
It would be easy if there was just one answer to this question. Let’s break down some categories bedtime battles can fall into, and then, we’ll dive into strategies for handling toddlers at bedtime.
Sleep Schedule Needs an Adjustment
The first thing to “rule-out” when trying to pinpoint the culprit of bedtime battles is to make sure your toddler’s sleep schedule is ideal for them. We want to avoid a toddler that is:
Undertired - You would probably be a little frustrated too if someone was telling you to go to sleep when you weren’t tired yet!
Overtired - You may think that they would be thrilled to go get some sleep if they are really tired, but trying to send a toddler to bed when they are overtired is a recipe for tears and frustration.
There are different approaches to figuring out a schedule that works well, but you can start by checking out our blog post on wake times and wake time versus by the clock schedules. It’s highly recommended to establish a solid sleep schedule that works well for your toddler before exploring other reasons your toddler is fighting bedtime.
Toddlers Want to Play
It is safe to say that a lot of toddler struggles come down to communication. Between asking for things and wanting them “right now!” and then changing their minds half a million times within 2 minutes, a toddler’s emerging communication skills definitely come along with some challenges. It can be especially hard when a toddler asks for something that isn’t available. Waiting can be hard for our little ones, especially when waiting means waiting for a whole new day!
Think about this: A toddler can request their favorite racecar and get to play it right away during play time, but they might be a bit surprised when they get told “No” to playing with that awesome racecar when they ask at naptime.
Toddler Fears at Bedtime
Some toddlers may develop different fears or anxieties about going to bed.
Separation anxiety about leaving parents and going to bed.
Nightmares that come along with a developing imagination.
Afraid of the dark - also a culprit of that evolving imagination.
How to Avoid Bedtime Battles
Bedtime battles can look like a lot of different things. Toddlers may try to delay going to bed using some creative toddler-esque strategies, or they may try leaving their bed after bedtime (especially if they are in a bed versus a crib, although crib-sleeping toddlers may also make escape attempts :P).
Keep in mind this is NOT an all inclusive list of ways our little ones figure out how to avoid or delay going to sleep.
Check out some strategies you can incorporate to avoid bedtime battles.
I would argue this is my number one suggestion - Have a bedtime routine!!
Bedtime routines help with structure.
Bedtime routines let your little one know that bedtime is coming.
For more info, check out our bedtime routine blog.
My #2 suggestion - Mentally prepare yourself to handle any bedtime behavior that is thrown your way.
You’re more likely to keep your cool during a bedtime battle (or successfully avoid one) if you can stay calm while getting your little one off to bed.
Set expectations and hold your boundaries!
Be clear with your toddler on your expectations from the beginning of the bedtime routine. “First we are going to go potty, read one book, and go to bed.”
Keep your expectations realistic.
Make sure you CAN and DO follow through.
Give a warning that bedtime is coming.
Keep in mind, warnings can be really helpful for some kids and really stressful for others. If warnings work for your toddler, go for it!
Use a time frame that is feasible and reasonable for your child’s age and understanding. You can incorporate a timer if that works well for your toddler.
Most importantly, hold your boundary! I will say, I personally use a warning with my toddler, but if she nicely asks for “1 more minute” I will honor the request, but only one time. After that, it’s bedtime!
Do your best to make sure your child is not thirsty or hungry at bedtime.
Consider giving your toddler a water bottle next to their bed so they can drink if they get thirsty.
If your child is potty trained, include pottying in the bedtime routine.
Potty before bed so your little one doesn’t try to use potty as an excuse to get out of bed
Of course,your child should go to the bathroom if they genuinely need to go potty, just make sure you have a plan for potty after bedtime so that it doesn’t become a game.
Offer choices!
You pick the choices to offer; you have the control over what is available. Your little one gets to chose from there; they have some sense of control.
You can let your child pick a book, the lovey of the night, which socks to sleep with, you get the idea!
Give your child “jobs” so they feel responsible for helping with certain parts of the bedtime routine. The hardest part of the bedtime routine for my spirited toddler is getting her to stop playing to get the bedtime routine started. Her task is to put (more like slam dunk) her cup of water in the sink. Even though she is not thrilled to stop playing, we can usually get her excited to help with her very important task. You can incorporate little tasks and jobs like this for your toddler throughout the whole routine to keep the momentum going.
Have them help turn off the lights or turn their sound machine on.
Make the bedtime routine fun and silly!
This can look like whatever works well for your child, just have fun with it!
When my toddler starts her routine and goes to the potty and and then to her bedroom she takes a “robot ride” - that’s just a piggy back ride with robot noises. (Pro note - Piggy back rides are awesome because you’re carrying your little one to bed - less chance for your little one to run off in the wrong direction or hide!)
If “robot rides'' aren't your style, get creative. Bunny hops to bed, tip toe, twirl, whatever!
Keep the encouragement and praise coming!
Congratulations! Your toddler is cooperating with the bedtime routine today - let them know! This can help keep the momentum going for the rest of the bedtime routine and can also help with future bedtimes!
High fives, hugs, “thanks for helping,” “you are so awesome at turning on your sound machine,” etc.
Give your toddler reassurance and comfort if they have bedtime fears.
Some examples of bedtime fears: Afraid of the dark, nervous to be alone, scared to have a nightmare.
Validate their fears and reassure them that they’re safe.
Even though we recommend a super dark sleep space, a night light can help.
Give your toddler time during the daytime to talk about their fears so you can help them feel safe to possibly avoid opening up the floodgates right at bedtime.
Remind your toddler that they can always call for you if they need your help.
How to Handle Bedtime Battles
So, you did everything you could to prevent a bedtime battle, but now here you are in the midst of a meltdown. Or, maybe your kiddo is just pulling out all the tricks to get you to come back to their room after you said “good night.” It’s bound to happen sometimes! What should you do? First and foremost, stay calm! Okay, I know - easier said than done. Try your best because the more frustrated you get, the harder it’s going to be to put this fire out.
My very main piece of advice is to hold your boundary! I know I said this already, but it’s that important!
You say it’s bedtime after one book, don’t read a second book.
You set the expectation that you leave the room after handing your child their lovey, hand them their lovey, say your goodnights, and head out of the room.
Your kiddo is calling for you after you’ve said goodnight and you know all their needs have been met and you can see on the camera that they are safe, don’t go back in. You can consider going in once really quickly to reassure them that they are safe and it is bedtime
Your child is going to learn that you are going to stick with what you say and the expectations that you set. Kids will test boundaries - do your best to stick with them, and you’re less likely to deal with bedtime battles (and daytime battles, too 🤪).
If bedtime battles have become a big problem at your house and you are needing some help with addressing them, check out my Toddler Group Coaching which is perfect for working through sleep troubles! We can discuss more individualized strategies to help with YOUR CHILD’S bedtime challenges, and work together for a solution that is just right!!
Disclaimer: This information is for education purposes. It is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition, nor is it a substitute for therapy. If you have any concerns about your child’s behavior or development, please reach out to your child’s qualified healthcare professional, such as a pediatrician or psychologist.
