Is it normal for my sleep trained kid to cry before falling asleep?

TLDR; yes, it is normal for a sleep trained kid to cry before falling asleep and typically not something to be concerned about.

Why Babies Cry

You’ve heard it from us before, and we will continue to assert that crying is absolutely a normal, unavoidable part of having a baby. You can support your child through the crying as you wish, however you will not be able to stop it altogether, nor would you want to! They need to be able to cry to communicate their needs like hunger, discomfort, and to release stress.

Children are not all cut from the same mold - meaning that some kids are naturally going to cry more than others. Flexible, easy going babies may not cry much at all, like ever. Other babies that are more sensitive in nature are probably going to cry a lot no matter what you do to try and support them. Even if you assist them to sleep they will likely still cry at some point. Some babies just cry before sleep because that’s their process..

What are the types of cries?

So, what kind of cries are you hearing? This can tell you a lot about what is going on with your baby. Initially, upon being placed in their sleep space, babies will let out their “protest” cries. They are MAD because they may not particularly like going to bed. They may have had a long, stimulating day, or they may just really want to stay up to play with you because it’s more fun than sleeping! But you, as their parent, know that both of you need sleep to function and grow.

Is it more of a “letting off steam” cry? This cry is pretty loud also, usually happens after the initial fussing, but is generally quick (about 1-7 minutes). Some babies always do this cry as a last rallying sort of cry right before they conk out. 

Are they just using their “mantra”, or their falling asleep, cry? This cry is a sure sign that they are winding down to fall asleep. I welcome this sound, as I know that it means that sleep is coming soon, but it can last quite a while! Sometimes it’s 30+ minutes long. However, it is not a cry that sends alarm bells off in my head. It is rhythmic and not urgent sounding. I do not interrupt the mantra cry, because I do not want to disrupt their process and potentially start the cycle all over again. 

What about an overtired cry? During this cry your baby probably sounds irritated, tired of everything and everyone. To try and mimic this would sound like, “cough cough wahh cough cough WAHHH!” If you hear this type of cry, it will probably be after a short nap or in the middle of the night when they really need to go back to sleep. This is a type of cry that indicates to me that I put them down too late, and they are struggling to fall asleep. That doesn’t mean that they can’t fall asleep, just that it may take a little longer than if I had hit the wake window at just the right time. 

Crying as a Trigger

I don’t know a single person that loves the sound of a baby crying. It’s not a pleasant sound. But for some parents it can be especially triggering and send them into a panicked state. This may stem from their childhood, or pressure (internal or external) to be a perfect parent who has perfect children. No spoiler alerts here; none of us are perfect. (NOBODYYYYY, babayyy!) 

This is an opportunity for me to encourage you to identify your personal triggers and address them. A dysregulated adult is going to have an extremely difficult time trying to calm a dysregulated child. Take a moment (or two, or three) to regulate your nervous system. Deep breaths, calming mantras, sometimes I even use ear plugs to soften the intensity of the crying so that I can be regulated enough to respond effectively to my baby’s needs. 

What can I do to decrease the amount of crying before sleep?

The best things you can do to make the transition from play to sleep a smooth one is to make sure the sleep is well-timed with age appropriate wake windows, follow a consistent bedtime routine to signal to the baby that sleep is coming soon, and have an optimal sleep environment (cool, dark as a cave, white noise).

In the 15-20 minutes before the bedtime routine, begin the winding down process. You can dim the lights, keep your energy and your voice calm, and your movements slower. It can be more difficult for a child to move from high energy play to suddenly being expected to chill out and go right to sleep. This can also help you to relax! Babies have mirror neurons, which means they can pick up on any stress or anxiety a parent may be feeling. If they are calm and relaxed, this helps their baby remain calm and relaxed as well. According to Secrets of Baby Behavior, “by six to eight weeks, babies show clear signs that they can predict what will happen during feeding, social, and naptime routines.”

So is it normal for my sleep trained kid to cry before falling asleep?

At the end of the day, take the burden off of your shoulders that makes you feel as though you have to “fix” everything for your child. Maybe they don’t need or want to be fixed, maybe they just want to let it all out. Your job is to offer the sleep at age appropriate intervals, and their job is to take it. Try to reframe the crying as something that is natural, healthy, and cathartic. As Hand in Hand Parenting founder, Patty Wipfler puts it, “Feelings that are felt fully are feelings that evaporate afterwards.”