My toddler keeps coming out at bedtime!
This is a struggle I am very familiar with my own kids. Picture this: it’s after the kids’ bedtime. You’ve just taken a deep breath and melted into the couch, remote in hand and favorite beverage in the other. Suddenly, your toddler comes waltzing out of their room.
“I want water!”
“I want to go potty!”
“You forgot XYZ!”
Sighing deeply, you lurch yourself off of the couch to attend to whatever request they have. Knowing you’re likely going to have to do this little song and dance for a while, reducing whatever alone time you *might* have had down to nothing before your own bedtime. I have been there! And I’m here to help.
How to respond (list form, explanation below):
Regulate your emotions
Build requests into the bedtime routine
Visual cues (routine cards and nightlights)
Fill up their love cup during the day
Reward charts
Be consistent and boring!
First and foremost, take a moment to regulate yourself. I personally have felt this type of frustration that rises up. After a long day of work and/or taking care of the kids, you finally get that moment of quiet and peace to unwind. Having that moment interrupted can cause your emotions to flare up quite unexpectedly. There is no shame in those feelings, it’s valid to feel frustrated in that moment. However, take some time to take a deep breath and reign those feelings in, because your child will likely be able to sense your heightened emotions. It’s best to respond in a calm, subdued manner, and keep things basically boring! If there is no excitement to gain in getting out of bed, then hopefully your child will soon abandon the act.
Think back about their usual bedtime requests. Do they regularly ask for a sip of water? Are they always wanting to go to the potty right after you say goodnight and close the door? Where it makes sense, incorporate some of these common requests into their routine. Right before you tuck them in, you can offer a small sip of water, or if they are old enough you can leave a water cup with them in their room (and if you trust them not to dump it out). If the potty is their go to reason to leave their room, make sure to have one last potty stop and encourage them to go. Really express to them that this is their last chance to go, and try to make it fun, for example, “choo choooo all aboard the potty train!” and make a big deal about them actually going and flushing it down. For some kids, a one time potty pass is a great way to compromise about the potty dilemma. They get to use the potty one last time, and then you will keep the pass, and they go back to bed. It is important to note that you do not want to honor EVERY single one of their requests, because you’ll be performing a 3 ring circus every night for an hour before bed. Just the reasonable ones! By building these common requests into their routine, you can rest assured that all their business is taken care of, and they can more readily accept bedtime.
Visual cues are so clutch for helping toddlers to learn about their environment and what to expect next. Pictures that show each step of the bedtime routine give toddlers the control they crave over their environment. Use pictures on a card of a toothbrush, pajamas, book, etc. and have THEM show YOU what is coming next in the sequence. Another visual cue is the “okay to wake” clocks and nightlights that change color when it’s time to leave the room. A common way to use this is to either have the light be red or warm toned when it’s time to sleep, yellow when it’s okay to get out of bed and play quietly in their room, and green means it’s okay to leave the room. If your child still sleeps best without a nightlight, you can keep the light turned off during sleep, and change it to green when it’s time to get up.
Something you can do during the daytime, is to give your toddler short pockets of one on one time. I say pockets, because on an average day there is a lot to do, so a pocket of time can be easier to carve out than, say, an hour all at once. Giving them uninterrupted time to have you all to themselves fills up their cup of attention and love. It is easy to get wrapped up in the to do lists of the day, and children will often ask for that missed attention at bedtime because there is nothing else distracting them.
A reward chart is another way to encourage your child to stay in their bed. Start small and give them a reward each time they complete the desired activity (aka staying in bed after lights out) especially if they are on the younger side. It can be something small, like picking a song to listen to on the way to school, or getting an M&M with breakfast, or even just getting a sticker on their chart is enough of a reward for some kids. You can gradually fade the reward to every other day, and so on. Older kids can earn consecutive stars for a bigger reward like going to the park, or whatever they enjoy the most.
If you implemented all of these preventative measures, and they still leave their room, continue to hold the boundary. You don’t have to engage in an argument with them. You can quickly check that they are alright, and then quietly (and as boring as possible), walk them back to their room, say your night time phrase (“night-night!”) and close the door. Consistently holding the boundary, and responding the same way each time is the best way to get them to grow tired of the game and stop leaving their room.
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