Reasonable Expectations for Sleep

Managing expectations around infant sleep is a full time job (I know, because it’s what I spend the day doing)!

We do have to establish that there isn’t a *ton* of evidence based information that we can use as a marker for what’s normal and what isn’t, but we do have some and it can definitely be helpful to keep your expectations in check!

Not to mention the experience I have with working with thousands of families; each family is essentially a case study meaning I learn from each family and am able to apply it to future families.

This really provides insight into what the majority of babies are capable of and of course, other averages that are helpful to keep in mind. 

First, let’s establish what is “common, normal… or okay” when it comes to sleep.

“Is it normal that my baby…”

“Is it okay that I…”

I get asked this question DAILY. Multiple times a day!

Before I ever answer those questions, we have to define the differences between common, normal, and okay.

Common sleep issues– these are the ones that people are often posting about in mom groups and moms tell them “this is what you signed up for” essentially. These things can usually be improved upon!

Normal sleep issues– these are things that are considered developmentally appropriate (waking for night feedings as a newborn, for example)

Okay sleep issues– these are ones that don’t bother you! If you tell me “my baby is doing X… but this works for us” then that is OKAY! That is seriously the key. It is working for you so there is nothing to change.

Seriously— before you panic because you read something that is different from what your baby is doing, stop and ask yourself OKAY BUT: do I have a sleep problem? Is this working for us? Is my child generally happy, well-rested, and eating well? 

Then that’s ALL that matters. The end. But…. if you DO have a sleep problem, read on to what those *might* be.

Common sleep issues: waking frequently/broken night sleep, short naps, taking a long time to fall asleep, early wakings, long periods of awake time

→ You can improve these things! You can get more consolidated night sleep, longer naps, decreased sleep latency, sleep aligned with circadian rhythms, and age appropriate amounts of sleep.

Normal sleep issues: waking every 2-4 hours as a newborn, short naps up until 5-6 months old, 0-2 night feedings until 6-9 months old, sleep interrupted by developmental milestones and teething

→ You can navigate these to have less disruption to everyone’s sleep, BUT some of these things are unavoidable. 

Make sure you check out the following blogs for evidence based information:

• Night wakings (for research on what’s normal/not)

• Sleep needs (so you can decide if your child is on track for THEIR sleep)

• Self soothing (so you know what your child is capable of)

Okay sleep issues: waking and bedsharing for part of the night out of choice, snooze button feedings, holding/extending naps, baby takes good naps on lower awake times than “recommended”, baby sleeps in later and still sleeps well, etc

→ Does this work for you? Are you happy doing this? Is it sustainable? Will you change it when you’re ready to? Great!!!

My defining moments are: this makes me happy, I enjoy it, it’s working for us, my baby is happy, I’m comfortable, I don’t want to change it….. Then you do you, mama!

Please do not read everything and think that you have to apply all of it to your sleep situation. Sometimes it’s okay to throw out the rules, unfollow sleep consultants, track your baby’s sleep and behavior and then decide. Once you have some data, it’s much easier to identify an actual issue or if something needs to be tweaked.

Sometimes I think we would all be a little happier if we obsessed just a little less about our baby’s sleep! I know I was when I finally took some of the sleep responsibility off of my shoulders.

My mantra is: it’s my responsibility to give you the opportunity to sleep (just like it’s my responsibility to provide nutritious foods) and it is your responsibility to take it (or eat those foods). You have to step back from thinking OMG YOU HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW *cue panic* and do all the circus things to make it happen.

Deep breath. Relax. Remove your ego from the situation. Don’t take it personally if things don’t go “right”. Babies are not robots and they’ll have some off/crazy days. That’s okay too.

Tomorrow is a new day. <3

If you’re ready to support other families in navigating sleep, then check out the Sleep Consultant Academy! There is a real lack of quality information for parents regarding infant sleep and the world needs more of you spreading accurate, evidence based information— so that parents feel heard, supported, and validated.