Sleep Perfectionism (Anxiety Around Controlling Sleep for your Child)
Sleep perfectionism and the associated anxiety parents feel around their child’s sleep is SO MUCH MORE than just about their child’s sleep.
It’s really something a lot deeper– underlying postpartum anxiety/depression, perfectionist tendencies, etc.
When my daughter was born, I realized I felt like if I could control HER sleep then it would help ME control my anxiety. That wasn’t the case- but it’s a trap I see parents fall into OVER and OVER.
In this blog, we will cover:
What is sleep perfectionism
Signs of sleep perfectionism
Ways to manage it
What is sleep perfectionism?
The definition of perfectionism is: refusal to accept any standard short of perfection and I’d say that’s pretty spot on to what I see when associating it with sleep.
Parent’s have a hard time deviating from each day/night looking exactly the same as the previous day/night. They look for trends of their child’s best sleep so they can recreate it; and when that doesn’t happen, the parent feels like a failure (or their anxiety gets worse).
Parents who suffer from sleep perfectionism (or perfectionism in general) tend to derive their worth from how their child sleeps. If sleep isn’t good enough, then the parent isn’t good enough.
This is an awful cycle to be in because it holds your child to an unattainable level AND sets you up for disappointment, over and over.
What are some signs of sleep perfectionism?
This may manifest differently for each parent, but there may be some common “symptoms” could be:
Unable to relax/obsesses over the monitor and data
Ritualistic about sleep routines/cannot deviate without panicking
Blames self if child’s sleep deviates from their normal
Difficulty letting others handle sleep for their child
Excessive tracking over sleep data
If it’s getting in the way of you being able to do things/make memories with your child/family, if it keeps you tied down and resentful because you’re gatekeeping those sleep tasks, or you’re constantly beating yourself up for “making a wrong choice about sleep” then it is probably time to dig deeper into those feelings and start healing from it!
How do you manage sleep perfectionism?
First things first, know that this goes DEEPER than sleep. That’s just how it’s manifesting. It’s likely there were some underlying perfectionist tendencies or anxieties present before you had your baby and that only exacerbated it/made it more well known.
So knowing that, getting outside help is going to be key! You cannot simply heal this on your own without finding that root cause and getting healing there.
After that, more outside help looks like: passing off tasks to your partner, not handling every sleep or sleep routine, and even hiring a sleep consultant can help set things into perspective.
Start being mindful of your monitor use and anxiety; resist the urge to constantly look at the monitor while they’re falling asleep or while they’re sleeping, just waiting for them to wake up (and thus wasting that glorious break of a nap period).
Don’t constantly track sleep! I’ll be the first to let you know that tracking can be helpful when there’s an actual issue or you’re sleep training– but it isn’t always helpful long term. I tracked my first child’s sleep RELIGIOUSLY. After I realized how much it wasn’t helping me, I started to only track if I felt like things were “off.”
Use some reframes and affirmations when you’re feeling particularly anxious!
Above all else– depersonalize your child’s sleep. It’s not right/wrong, good/bad, etc. It just is what it is. There are some things in your control and in your responsibility and then other times, we have to practice radical acceptance of their sleep (how they sleep, how much they sleep, etc). Remember this saying, “It’s my job to offer sleep, it’s their job to take it.”
Need more support in this area? We have a freebie can download that we collaborated on with The Honest Peach (a therapist turned mama coach) and will always work with you to help you be more reasonable about sleep!
