Sleep Training Your Newborn/Infant with a Toddler
Baby + Toddler = Two handfuls and a full heart!! Add more kids, and I know your heart and plate are full! If you are on the path to sleep training your new little love while juggling the needs of your toddler (and other kids, roles, responsibilities), you may be wondering - HOW? Of course, managing multiple children while sleep training can be a challenge, but it is possible and there are things you can do to make the process feel less overwhelming!
Getting Started
Managing Your Expectations
Not an easy place to start but a helpful one would be to take a look at your own expectations around sleep training your baby while managing the other important parts of your life.
My Journey with Sleep Expectations
When I had my last little one, I felt pressured (by myself) to get him sleeping really well as a newborn. I have 3 other children to take care of, work to get done, and I wanted to sleep, too! Honestly, he did okay but that was probably because I found myself helping him to sleep or extending naps in a dark room for hours and hours of my day. I didn’t want his sleep to be disturbed by anything else going on (aka my toddler) so we just hung out in a dark room with the exception of those short little newborn wake windows. Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that if it’s working for you - but I started to feel like it just wasn’t working for me! I loved all the snuggles I was getting, but this mama needed some sunlight and interaction. So, I took a step back and looked at my own expectations to figure out where the issue really was. I was expecting him to learn how to sleep with the snap of a finger. I was expecting to be able to spend time with the rest of my family. I was expecting to get work done during typical working hours. I was expecting my husband to read my mind. I was expecting to eat dinner with two hands :P Turns out, my expectations were just not going to become a reality all at once so I had to readjust. I worked on being more flexible and part of that meant figuring out how to balance my expectations around newborn sleep with an energetic toddler running around!
YOUR Journey with Sleep Expectations
Of course, my personal experience is specific to me and everyone’s going to have their own path! Whether you are working to set a solid sleep foundation with your newborn or working on sleep training your infant, you are going to make the choice that works for your family! When you are making that decision, I encourage you to look at your expectations for the process from the beginning and be open to changing those expectations. That includes your expectations for your baby, your partner, your family as whole. Make sure they are realistic, and make sure you communicate your expectations with others involved!
Tips for Sleep Training a Baby with a Toddler in Tow
You’re probably wondering why I'm talking about expectations so much. Aren’t we supposed to be looking at how to sleep train with a toddler running around? Well, this might be a little hard to hear, but, one of your expectations should probably be expectation that things are not always going to go as planned - expect the unexpected. Not only will your newborn/infant throw you curveballs here and there during the sleep training process, but your toddler is sure to throw in some curveballs themselves, too.
Let’s get into the stuff you came here for, some tips on sleep training your newborn/infant with a toddler:
Don’t be afraid to ask for help! I admit, I’m absolutely terrible at this one, but it is a game changer with multiple little ones at home. If your partner, a family member, babysitter, etc. is available - enlist their help! Even if another person cannot be available all the time, if you can have someone available to help during the first few days of sleep training, it will be a huge help. That may mean scheduling the time to sleep train when you can arrange that other person to be there. Be specific about the things that would be helpful. So, if you are planning to work on sleep training with your baby that night and you need your partner to put your toddler to bed, communicate that with them so everyone is on the same page. I know it was hard for my husband and I to find a time to communicate with so much going on in those newborn days, so we found the easiest way was to text each other, even from across the house or in the same room. Seems silly, but it was helpful for us!! Find what is most helpful for you!
Consider a sleep training method that is going to be most realistic for you. If you know you're going to have to attend to your toddler frequently during the sleep training process with your newborn/infant, you may want to consider a sleep training method where you can leave the baby’s room and go back to respond based on the method. Of course, with one of these methods, you would still need to make sure your toddler is safe while you respond to your baby, but it would allow you to be more present with your toddler if needed, while your baby learns to sleep in their safe sleep space.
If you don’t have the option of another caregiver’s help with your older kid(s) while working on sleep training with your baby and you are considering a sleep training method that will work best under these circumstances, here are some things you can do:
Create a safe space with safe activities for your toddler. Set up an area where your toddler can play safely while you attend to your newborn/infant.
You can set your toddler up in a room right next to where your baby sleeps or in another area of your house that is safe. The room should be child safety-proofed. Use your best judgment when considering your level of supervision for your toddler by taking into account your child’s age, maturity, independent play and safety skills, etc. You could have your toddler play within eyesight, such as right outside the door of the baby’s room. So, you can leave the door cracked open to see your toddler while you respond to the baby. Or, you can use a baby monitor to see your toddler in another room while you respond to your baby. Yes, that may bring some light into the room, but it will be minimal and temporary. Once you respond to the baby and leave, the baby will be back in that optimal cave-like dark environment which is when darkness is most important.
You’ll also want to make sure your toddler has activities that they are going to be entertained by while you are helping the baby. You can set up a basket or box of toys that are really exciting and special and only available to your toddler during those specific times that you’re working on sleep training. The idea would be that your toddler will really look forward to playing with that super awesome toy so they are happy playing while you are busy with the baby. Another thing you might want to consider is working with your toddler on independent play before you sleep train your baby. If your little one does not have all the skills to play independently just yet, gradually work with them on independent play skills so that they can keep themselves entertained while you respond to the baby. This will be helpful for other parts of your day, too!!
Involve your toddler in the process! You’re probably thinking - no way, that will never work, my toddler is off the walls! I get it, I feel like my toddler is wound for sound 90% of her waking hours. But, your baby is going to learn to get used to that, and most of the sleep training you’ll be doing will be while your baby is awake anyways.
Incorporate your toddler in the bedtime routine, have them help. (It might actually calm them down a little :P )
If you’re using a sleep training method where you stay in the room, it might not be super feasible to have your noisy toddler stay with you, so make sure you’re using a method that is feasible (tip #2). But, if you’re using a method where you leave the room and go back to respond as needed, it may be possible to have your toddler join you if there is no other safe space for your toddler to be during that time. You can give your toddler specific instructions about how you want them to help and even practice during other times of the day. For example, let’s say you are using the pick-up put-down method. It may not be the end of the world to have your toddler tag along while you respond and pick up the baby until calm. Sure there may be some extra noise that’s not typically part of the process, but your baby is still going to learn! It may take a little longer, but it may not! Your baby may actually calm down faster with the added distraction of a toddler (maybe haha).
Your toddler, the noise, the distraction - that’s the norm at your house so do your best to go with it. Remember your expectations!! Keep those in check; have someone help you keep them in check; readjust expectations as needed!
This next tip can be a harder one with newborns/infants since their sleep schedules are going to vary depending on how naps go (if you are following wake windows), but my next suggestion would be to plan to start sleep train your baby after your toddler is already in bed.It may not always work out where your baby is going to sleep after your toddler. If it does work out this way or you can play around with sleep (extend naps, caps naps, move toddlers schedule around, etc.) to make this happen during sleep training, great. If not, that’s okay - use the other tips and go with the flow!! If that day doesn’t go as hoped/planned, there is always another day to try again!
Also, you can work on sleep training gradually if that works better for you. You can start with just nights if that is the best time. Then, gradually work on naps when the opportunities are there. Typically we would recommend starting with that first morning nap, but if it just isn’t feasible with everything you have going on, that’s okay. You can always practice with other naps.Practice some days and not every day. This would be a gradual approach but it’s always an option! Whatever you can do that feels sustainable and helpful.
If your baby and toddler sleep in rooms near each other, you may feel uneasy about having your baby crying and potentially waking up your toddler during the sleep training process. A few things to keep in mind with this:
White noise, all the white noise!
Although crying is likely to be involved, you are going to respond based on your chosen sleep training method. So, if you have some concerns about your baby’s cries waking up your toddler, jump back to #2 - consider a sleep training method that is realistic with all factors considered.
The most important thing I want you to take away from this is that you should do the best you can with a newborn/infant and toddler(s) at home! You are learning your baby, your baby is learning you, your toddler is learning to be a big brother/sister! Lot’s of learning, growing, and changing is happening. Try to be patient as you dive into this new chapter of parenting. Your baby will learn to sleep! If you’d like help picking an approach that is the best fit for your family, I’m happy to help. Check out my support packages or schedule a 1:1 consult.
