What is Co-Regulation?
If you read through enough “anti-sleep training” accounts, posts, etc, then you’ll see a common theme: they all say sleep training goes against the child’s need to “co-regulate” and that “self-soothing” is not something an infant can do.
We’ve already debunked that in the self soothing blog that you can check out, but there’s a very key part of co-regulation that the anti sleep training crowd misses… and we will get to that, promise. 🤓
But first, we have to cover some other parts of co-regulation like…
What IS co-regulation?!
What is self-regulation?
The Building Blocks of Co-Regulation
How do you actually co-regulate?
So how do you still sleep train and co-regulate?
So… what is co-regulation?
Well, based on how it’s talked about on social media, you’d believe it meant always staying physically present next to your upset child no.matter.what.
That’s not actually what the research says though!
Co-regulation is not based on physical proximity. What we do know is that a child first learns to regulate with others and then is gradually able to use these regulation tools more independently. This process facilitates the development of self-regulation.
This is not a one time behavior or thing that you do or even something they pick up on in one behavioral storm. No. Like attachment, it’s built in moments OVER time.
Co-regulation is the supportive process between caring adults and children, youth, or young adults that fosters self-regulation development is called “co-regulation.” This term began as a description of adult support for infants, but is now used to describe an interactive process of regulatory support that can occur within the context of caring relationships across the lifespan. Co-regulation will look different at different ages as child capacity for self-regulation grows, but remains a critical resource across development.
What is self-regulation?
Self-regulation refers to the ability to control impulses, identify an emotion and utilize a coping mechanism, organize and plan behavior to solve problems, and sustain attention to monitor behavior as you regulate yourself.
You can see why this is difficult for kids– even adults struggle with managing thoughts and feelings! Adults also co-regulate with other adults and attachment figures in their life. This isn’t an unusual concept.
The Building Blocks of Co-Regulation
From this research, we know that co-regulation is made up of 3 main things:
Warm and responsive relationship
Structured environment and setting limits
Teaching self-regulation skills
These things would include:
Showing affection
Expressing interest in the child
Spending positive time together
Being responsive in times of distress (again, doesn’t mean reacting, but pausing to provide the level of support your child needs)
Having predictable routines
Stating rules and expectations clearly
Providing external structure for calming down
Using logical consequences
Labeling positive and challenging emotions
Using modeling, prompting and praising of self-calming strategies throughout the day
Assisting in problem solving
As you can see, it’s not just ONE thing you do, it’s all the things you’re doing over time– just like building a secure attachment (side note: it isn’t possible to co-regulate without that!)
A secure attachment means your stable, attentive, loving.. Pretty simple!
This is an important distinction because everyone thinks you have to be stable and attentive 100% of the time and that just isn’t possible.
Even when you are on your A game, you’re only attuned to your child 20-30% of the time meaning we miss the mark even when we are TRYING about 70-80% of the time.
You cannot perfectly provide your child with comfort for every distressing event nor delight in all moments of exploration.
How do you actually co-regulate?
Through the work of our attachment, that’s where your child learns to develop the ability to experience, constructively express, and **cope** with a variety of emotions.
The FIRST thing you have to do in order to successfully co-regulate is REGULATE YOURSELF. That’s why I find the pause (this blog) soooo important. It gives you that chance to come out of fight or flight mode and respond vs react.
Pay attention to their own feelings and reactions during stressful interactions with a child, youth, or young adult.
Pay attention to their own thoughts and beliefs about the behaviors of others. Use strategies to self-calm and respond effectively and compassionately.
Caregivers greatly benefit when they take a moment for some deep breaths or self-talk. When a caregiver responds calmly to a child, youth, or young adult, it helps to keep the young person’s feelings from escalating and also models regulation skills.
From this research, “As a child’s ability to self-regulate increases, less caregiver co-regulation is required. For an infant, co-regulation support will encompass a large proportion of regulatory needs: babies need caregivers to feed them when they are hungry, help them sleep when they are tired, and give cuddles when they are overwhelmed. An older youth, on the other hand, may only need co-regulation support during complex life transitions or 4 when emotionally overwhelmed. To the extent that either a young person’s skills or caregiver support are limited, the “regulation bucket” may be only partially filled, which will directly affect that young person’s emotions, cognitions, and behavior. When regulation continually falls short, functional challenges will be evident, and may result in significant social-emotional, behavioral or physical health concerns.”
Guidelines exist to leverage co-regulation to enhance the development of self-regulation:
More intentional and targeted focus on self regulation in which emotion and cognitive regulation skills and their integration are systematically taught
Support for caregivers OWN self regulation
Instructions for caregivers to co-regulate through modeling, coaching, reinforcing, and supporting children’s self-regulation within the context of a nurturing sensitive and responsive relationship
Labeling and narrating how they’re feeling is going to help them with their emotional knowledge and can be effective in reducing escalation
Relieving distressful reactions and promoting the experience of positive interactions; this helps not only with the development of emotional competence but also self regulation and problem solving.
Remember that having a baby does change the structure in your brain so that regions that control empathy and anxiety have increased activity along with hormonal changes that cause an intense reaction to a child crying.
Take a deep breath in your nose, to the count of 3 and out your mouth to the count of 4 to activate a chemical in your brain to calm the physical response down.
Once the panic subsides, you can assess what your child actually needs since that’s their main way of communicating. It doesn’t always mean something bad is happening!
Be aware of catastrophizing the situation and disregarding the less obvious reasons your child could be upset.
Bring awareness to the times your child has been calmed by you!
When your needs aren’t being met, you’re more easily triggered and therefore less able to regulate yourself (those needs like: sleep, nutrition, fresh air, sensory breaks, asking for help).
So how do you still sleep train and co-regulate?
A key component in self-regulation and co-regulation is providing opportunities to practice regulation and reinforcement of it.
Sleep training gives them the opportunity to regulate. Providing support and reassurance in a warm and nurturing environment does not mean we are going to do all the work of going to sleep for them. Co-regulating allows us to hit the “reset” button and let them try again from a regulated state when using parent present and/or responsive methods.
This means you can allow the opportunity by observing and not jumping in! And if you choose to extinction/CIO, you can still foster this without damaging your attachment because again, this ability is developed over their lifespan, not just in moments surrounding sleep. Plus! Sleep is a biological process in the body- meaning, it isn’t something we have to teach them to do. We don’t have to “make” them sleep by feeding them, rocking, them, etc. Simply putting them down and allowing them to follow asleep IS possible.
Remember that secure attachments foster new abilities in children (i.e. independent sleep!)
Responding consistently to their cues over time with just the *right amount of support* is how they develop their self-regulation skills. That doesn’t mean just with sleep— you have many, many opportunities throughout their day.
So you can allow and support them to sleep with appropriate timings, routines, environment, and not assuming they can’t fall asleep without a ton of support. As a newborn, you may scaffold that skill more than you’d have to for say, a 6 month old with a developed circadian rhythm.
Final reminder— this is a very nuanced topic much like attachment and it’s not just a one way ticket to mastering it. You’ll never be perfect at it! Here’s a great read about the good enough mother that I think everyone could benefit from.
Ready for sleep help? Fill out this screening form with all your questions and hesitations around getting help with your little ones sleep and I’ll respond with a recorded video to help set your mind at ease!
