Will Sleep Training Harm my Baby’s Attachment?
If you’re reading this blog, you may have felt, or currently feel, that sleep training your child would damage your relationship with them. We’re going to debunk that here with research to back it up because... you can absolutely teach your child independent sleep skills without negativly impacting their attachment.
In this blog, we’ll cover:
A quick summary of what sleep training actually is
An explanation of attachment - what are the different types of attachment & parenting styles and their influences on attachment
How sleep training affects attachment
What you can do during sleep training to maintain a secure attachment
Unfortunately, there is a lot of misinformation floating around, especially on social media, that leads parents to feel like sleep training is an awful thing to do. Sleep training is 100% your decision. It’s an option! If you’re content doing whatever you are currently doing, by all means, keep doing it!! Some people make the choice to set a solid sleep foundation for independent sleep early on with a newborn. Others decide to work on independent sleep with their little one later on once they feel like what was working just isn’t working anymore.
No matter where you fall in the range of situations, you should never feel shame for sleep training. And, you definitely shouldn’t feel like you’re going to damage your relationship with your child. It just simply is not true!
What is sleep training?
First, let’s clear up what sleep training is. Sleep training refers to a behavioral intervention that is implemented with a baby, toddler, or child to change sleep-related behaviors, most commonly teaching the skill of falling asleep independently. We have a blog that goes into more detail on what sleep training is (and is not), and reviews some of the different sleep training methods - because there are many different approaches! The main point here is that sleep training is a brief period of time where you’re working on teaching your child a new skill.
Crying and protesting may happen during the sleep training process because, well, change is hard! But, we present our little ones with opportunities to change often, whether it’s sleep training or something else, big or small. Things like - starting at daycare, moving to a new home, having a new sibling, visiting a new place, potty training, offering a new food, meeting a new family member, and the list goes on. There are also many times a day that our little ones may not get “what they want” like when we have to say no to a certain food they ask for that we don’t have at the house or they have to clean up their toys to go to an appointment. So, our children are going to be presented with many opportunities to learn new skills in their life. There are always going to be times when our children will have to adapt to change and opportunities to tolerate when something isn’t available or they have to do things that they aren’t thrilled about. One of our goals as parents is to teach our children how to navigate these life situations.
That all being said, if you decide to sleep train your child, this is just another opportunity for them to learn a new skill and adapt to change. Sleep training also doesn’t mean you are going to leave your child to work through these feelings on their own. There are a range of response-based sleep training approaches that you can use to help your child learn their new independent sleep skills while minimizing those big feelings from your little one.
Here’s a blog on crying:
And another on response-based sleep training:
Response-Based Sleep Training Methods Work
What is attachment?
You might be thinking, I know what attachment is. But, hang tight - it’s possible that your understanding of attachment is not exactly what attachment actually refers to.First, I want to clarify that attachment here is NOT referring to the term “attachment parenting” which is a style of parenting. Also, people often think of attachment as a bond between themselves and their child, and although that is a way to describe the process of attachment, it is helpful to understand what that really means. Attachment refers to the relationship that is developed between a child and their caregiver, and specifically a secure attachment is one that allows a child to feel secure and safe with their parent/caregiver, while also feeling secure to explore their environment and return to the “safety” of their parent/caregiver when needed. (An article that goes into more detail on attachment.)
Attachment is developed through repeated interactions between a child and their caregivers, not through one instance of a short-term set of instances (like sleep training). There are different types of attachment. With a secure attachment we are looking at when a child feels that their parent/caregiver is their “secure base.” This is developed through interactions that include things like a baby crying and their needs are responded to by a caregiver. Caregivers that respond to a child’s distressed behaviors in a loving, sensitive, and “organized” way (meaning, the child knows what to expect from the parent/caregiver) will overall contribute to the child’s secure attachment.
Parenting style influences attachment
Different parenting styles and approaches have been shown to contribute to different types of attachment for children. This article goes into more detail on different parenting styles, with the four general categories being: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved. This blog also covers how we don’t have to be “perfect” parents all the time. We aren’t expected to be perfect representations of our preferred parenting style all the time. We’re human and we’re going to stray at times. The good news is that there is research that supports that our children can still develop secure attachments if we aren’t on our A game 100% of the time. In fact, research points us in the direction that we really only need to be attuned to our children’s needs about 30% of the time. (Here's some reading on the "good enough" parent.)
How does sleep training affect attachment?
The short answer - sleep training will not affect attachment. If your child is safe and secure and you choose to implement a sleep training strategy - whatever strategy you choose, you are not going to damage the relationship with your child. Since your child’s attachment is of course something that’s important to you, I have no doubt that you provide your child with many, many opportunities to develop a secure attachment on a daily basis. And, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t also going to do that DURING the sleep training process. Like I mentioned earlier, there are lots of response-based approaches to sleep training that allow you to respond in a way that you feel comfortable with. You can absolutely respond to your child if you feel they are in distress and help them to feel secure. And, if you choose an extinction based approach, such a cry-it-out, there is also research that supports that attachment will not be affected. Remember, sleep training is a short-term intervention and attachment is developed through ongoing interactions over time.
There’s also research that actually supports that sleep training can improve attachment. And there is also no support in the research that points to a difference in attachment for children who were or were not sleep trained. On the note of improving attachment, here is one example of how this may occur - A baby is requiring lots of help for sleep, maybe not sleeping “great” in the parent’s perspective. The parent is stressed, and maybe not responding to the baby's needs in a sensitive way. The parents decided to sleep train and now their baby is sleeping much better which means the parents are sleeping better, too. Stress level for parents is down. Now, the parents feel like they can be much more attentive and attuned to their baby, and respond in a more sensitive and organized way. The results would contribute to a secure attachment!
How to focus on attachment during sleep training
You may think this is a hard one to navigate, but it’s actually quite simple. You can make sure that you are continuing to help your child develop a secure attachment even while sleep training by - responding in a way that you feel comfortable with, that you feel like is responsive at a level that will help your baby to feel safe and secure. You will respond in a way that is sensitive to your child’s needs and organized in a sense that your child knows what to expect with your comforting response. And, that’s really exactly what response-based sleep training methods are all about! You are supporting your child while they learn a new skill and have a plan to fade that support as your child gets closer to the sleep goal!
What I hope you’ve taken away from this is that you can rest assured that your child’s attachment will NOT be affected negatively if you choose to sleep train. If you’re ready to explore a sleep training method that fits with your approach to parenting, reach out for a 15-minute consult. It’s always my goal to develop sleep plans that are customized just for you so that you can feel comfortable and confident implementing the plan and working towards your sleep goals!
If you’re into research, here’s some more reading on attachment and sleep:
’Good enough’ parenting is good enough
Behavioral Interventions for Infant Sleep Problems
Sleep and Attachment in Preterm Infants
