The Pause and Why You Should Use It
Something that I find can be a total game changer for sleep is “the pause.”
It was made famous by the book Bringing Up Bebe as a way for parents to encourage little ones to sleep through the night.
Meaning, we don’t respond the second we hear a peep! Babies are noisy sleepers and it’s normal to wake between sleep cycles + take some time to return to sleep. (Like even up to 10 mins would be considered normal, but you can always choose to wait whatever time feels good to you).
Not responding the second they wake may seem controversial but I have research!
The pause gives you time to really listen and observe.
This means you can become more aware of what they’re communicating and respond accordingly-- which is what’s important for a secure attachment!
This also allows you a moment to regulate your emotions, especially if it was a short nap, another night time waking, or early morning, so you can go into the room calmly and in a supportive manner.
(This is super important for co-regulation by the way).
A simple sound or cry out from our child doesn’t mean we have to be there the second it happens (which is often impossible anyway)!
How to Use the Pause And Why You Should Use It
Here’s some research I found interesting! 🤓
WAYYYY back in 1972, Ainsworth and Bell conducted a study that concluded the following:
Close physical proximity = less crying
Promptness of response = less crying in later months
HOWEVER….
These findings have never been replicated and in fact, with each attempt to replicate it, the findings have drawn different conclusions.
van IJzendoorn & Hubbard attempted to replicate the study and found:
When crying is “ignored” more frequently then a decrease in crying overall happens
Frequency and duration of “ignoring” did not predict later attachment
Mothers of avoidant (not securely attached) infants responded most promptly to crying (and in a variety of ways)
He goes on to say, “benign neglect of fussing may stimulate the abilities in infants to copy with mild stress.”
So what does that mean?!
Responsiveness does not mean promptness
Pausing before deciding how to respond gives your child a chance to learn to cope with (mild) stress
Pausing then responding is better than reacting (because that can lead to an inconsistent response)
From this study: “Mindful parenting is a parenting style that encompasses several aspects, such as listening with full attention (i.e., directing complete attention to the child and being fully present during parent-child interactions), self-regulation in the parenting relationship (i.e., being able to pause before reacting in order to choose parenting behaviors that are in accordance with values and goals), emotional awareness of the child (i.e., noticing and correctly identifying child’s emotions), compassion for the child (i.e., being kind to and supportive of the child, sensitive, and responsive to the child’s needs), and a non-judgmental acceptance of parental functioning (i.e., accepting the characteristics and behaviors of the child, the self as a parent and the challenges of parenting).
Want more research? I have some articles for you below!
Mindell, J. A., Sadeh, A., Kohyama, J. & How, T. H. Parental behaviors and sleep outcomes in infants and toddlers: a cross-cultural comparison. Sleep Med. 11, 393–9 (2010).
Morrell, J. & Cortina-Borja, M. The developmental change in strategies parents employ to settle young children to sleep, and their relationship to infant sleeping problems, as assessed by a new questionnaire: the Parental Interactive Bedtime Behaviour Scale. Infant Child Dev. 11, 17–41 (2002).
Scher, A. & Asher, R. Is attachment security related to sleep–wake regulation?: Mothers’ reports and objective sleep recordings. Infant Behav. Dev. 27, 288–302 (2004).
If you love reading research as much as I do, have you considered joining our Sleep Consultant Academy?! Check it out here and email contact@familyrestandwellness.com if you’d like to set up a 15 min chat!
